FEBRUARy 28, 2020

I sincerely wonder what brings on nerve pain. My eyes started spasming intensely, suddenly and excruciatingly tonight — after what was a fairly mellow, pleasant, low-stress day. I spent it with my best friend at her home in DC, figuring out new ways to eat foods (Hello soggy nacho-like chips with a spoon! And my first salad with lettuce since my accident, chopped up and chopped up again!) and watching a Bon Appetit YouTube series (my first YouTube series ever too!) of a chef attempting to make gourmet original versions of name brand American sweet and savory snacks, most of which this organic-vegan-gluten-free-Marin-County-raised girl has never so much as tried, yet found quite delightful all the same, especially from our perch on the cozy couch. What brought on the spasms and throbbing that forced me into a ball with my eyes closed and hand cupped over them, even after taking additional painkillers with the lights off? I'm at a loss, especially because while pain is omnipresent and flairs are unfortunately commonplace, I haven’t had an ocular-centered episode that intense in quite some time. I've been taking it easy, got a good night’s sleep last night, drank plenty of water today, ate well, didn’t see, read or hear anything that caused me stress, and feel safe in this space, though still faced that sudden, unexpected, piercing downturn. After dozing off and with the blessed passage of time, the worst of the throbbing thankfully passed and we got ready for bed, but I now lie here on edge, newly tense, even more anxious about the unquestionably still precarious state of my health — and distressed that agonizing uncertainty remains my reality. But I am also cognizant and appreciative of the fact that tonight’s physical pain did not trigger a panic attack, other neurological challenges or lasting discomfort, nor will I allow it define my day or even my evening. Without pressure, I simply hope to wake up tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow even stronger, clearer and healthier. I am clearly nervous and my nerves are anything but in the clear, yet I am here.